The Completely True Confessions of Ms. Kitty

It's close to 7 in the am. I still haven't gone to sleep. I have had a whole lot of stuff on my mind tonight. I have started to realize that sleep won't come until i get some of this out. So rather than use this blog for my business and organizations, I'm going to use it as my personal confessional. We'll see how she flies.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's. It's a very cruel disease. Watching this break down happen to her has taken a huge toll on me. This year has by far been her worst. It kills me. This is the person that raised and took care of me. And I get to see her deteriorate like this. It's gotten to the point where I barely visit her anymore. I just can't take it. Last time I went to the nursing home to see her, I left pretty quickly and cried hysterically for a good 48 hours straight. It was like seeing her in jail. Cruel old people jail.

It's completely made me re-evaluate every aspect of my life. It's really made me stop slacking off and start doing something, anything. It's a good 90% of the reason why I quit my management job and started a business. Also the reason why I took on the CT Etsy Team. You'd be surprised what comes when you fear your mind getting scrambled when you're older.

My fiance, Rob and I have been at what I feel is a stand still. Things are the same as they've been for about 2 years now. This is neither bad nor good, it just is. Lately I have been noticing my dreams at night are filled with images of running from him, running from this apartment, just running toward anything else. Now in the daytime my mind wanders to a fantasy life where things are more exciting and much more free. I am constantly thinking of traveling. Like going from state to state with my wares and crashing in hotels and things. All of the dreams and daydreams all have to do with me doing this alone. Lately, I feel like maybe marriage is not what I want.

It's kind of scary. Robby is very supportive, he's sweet and affectionate and all. But he is also very much so not grown up yet. When I think of setting a new wedding date, I always think to myself, no he's not ready yet. He's still too much of a boy. What am I doing? We argue over silly things like him getting up in the morning, cleaning after himself, putting on clean clothes, even hygiene. It reminds me of raising a kid. If that's what life will be like - then I don't want it.

So I think I am heading into a rough patch here. I am very close to 30. While my career goals seem to be slowly falling into place, the rest of my life is insane. When I was around 23 all I wanted was to meet a nice guy, settle down and start a family. My friends use to comfort me after break ups. They'd say it's ok, you'll find the right one and marry him. And I would think about marriage as my big one day I will goal. It's kind of frightening to think to myself that now I don't really know if I ever want that. Or if I do, it has to come in a very different form.

I feel guilty and sad thinking these things day after day. Rob is very devoted to me. Anytime I try and discuss this stuff Rob avoids it completely. I know if I get to actually say this to him to where he accepts and understands, it will really hurt him. I don't know if he can give me what I want. I don't know if I can give me what I want. But something's gotta give. It's a very confusing time for me.

Regardless, I need to start traveling more.